That bit about never forgetting...

Yesterday I rolled out of bed, threw clothes on, spent 8 hours standing in front of a saw wondering the whole time if we'd bombed Syria, had lunch in the car, rolled home, showered, threw clothes on, went to school, got home an hour past my bedtime, and, finally, went to bed. 

The one time I wasn't "doing" but was simply "being" was when I decided to have dinner at my favorite little Vietnamese bistro by school.   I was noshing on my vermicelli with tuong ot toi when all of a sudden "Shotgun Tom" Kellyyyyyyyy's voice came over the radio and said, "September 11th.  Twelve years.  We will never forget."

Um...in the words of Tonto: "Whaddya mean we, white man?"  (I'm a bad patriot.)

Hilarity

Sister to 6-year-old niece: Get used to disappointment.
Niece: Aunty Rachel's used to disappointment.

I always knew I liked Dustin.

When your life vaguely resembles a 1996 Ellen DeGeneres film

Mr. Wrong

We don't need Islamic extremist terrorists here in the U.S.

cause we're doing a fine job of shooting ourselves.

And I am so very, very sick of it.  Every time this happens I get sad.  This time I'm just pissed.  Stop already.

To celebrate 6 weeks post surgery

I got in a car accident.

Go me.

Leave.

If your spouse is abusive,
leave.
Get out.
Stop enabling.
Your abuser is not going to change,
no matter how much you pacify.
In fact, the more you pacify,
the worse he gets because it makes him believe
that he has power,
that he has control.
Please, sweet sweet friend, leave
before it's too late.

The Season of the Rage Monster

For all the negative words I could use to describe myself, anger is not one of them.  I get moody, yeah, and can seriously grump out when things aren't going my way (working on that!) but anger...that's a relatively unfamiliar emotion to me, especially when it shows up in the form of rage.

I mean, Rage.  Like the Hulk.  Like Mark Ruffalo terryfing the shiz out of Scarlett Johannson at 30,000 feet then falling to the ground and surviving.  Like blood and fear and anger and hate speeding through your veins and enlarging your heart and brain til you think your body will burst with the pressure.

Rage.

In 29 years of life I never felt Rage, but at 30 it's my new worst enemy.  I don't think it's biological, I think it's because when I hit 30 my world was falling apart - I was half-raising my sister's kid while bringing in less money than my bills were taking out and my pelvic pain was getting steadily worse even while I was doing more and trying more and spending more than ever to try and make it better.  I felt trapped in a cyclone of worse, and then the cyclone became me, and now, I am the cyclone.

I am not enraged about having to have surgery.
I am not enraged that my sister returned and is being a mom again without acknowledging what she did to the family.
I am not enraged that I don't make much money.
I am not enraged that I felt, and feel, stuck.

I am enraged that that dbag cut me off in traffic.
I am enraged that we're out of dish soap.
I am enraged that the new guy at work won't put the lid down - even when asked.

Like, that's the thing about Rage - it doesn't make sense.  You think you're working on all the hard emotions that arise with hard circumstances, but all of a sudden you're having a screaming fit in your car because the grocery store was out of your shampoo.

Really?  Shampoo?

No, not shampoo.  This is really about the fact that I never got a thank you from my sister.  This is about the fact that I am scared shitless about surgery - so, so, so, so scared.  This is about the fact that surgery is really expensive and I've already poured approximately $15,000 and 10 years into trying to get better and the weight of all that money is making me tired. This is about thinking I'm taking my worry and stress and sorrow to God when really I'm just holding it behind my back while smiling and saying, "Here you go, Jesus.  It's all yours."

I need your prayers.  And please - if this has happened to you, please please leave a comment on how you dealt (still deal?) with it.

******
And for fun:

About Trayvon Martin and Mary Jane

To this California girl - drug-free though I be - marijuana usage is no stain on your character, no cause to think you deserve to be shot in the chest.  WTF, media.  WTF.

Christianity according to John Piper

(Warning to any conservative readers: it gets crude at around 2:00 minutes.)

Enmeshed?

Well...perhaps we are.

Don't name your kid something that has made it on the top 100 most popular baby names of the last 10 years.

Just don't.
(But pregnant women don't listen.)

That moment when

your younger sisters are watching a Disney Channel t.v. show and when the dad walks on screen the words "He's hot" tumble out of your mouth before you have time to realize you just admitted you're getting old.

Je m'en fiche

It would be so easier to go through life not caring if you hurt people.  But it wouldn't be right.

Perspective

Mom: Don't you just get overwhelmed by all the blessings you have?
Me: Um, no...I get overwhelmed by what everyone else doesn't have.

Someday,

maybe,
I'll get it right.

Today apparently was not that day.

Sometimes my own stupidity astounds me.

Again

Just found out that a man I used to know and thought of as good had secretly been molesting some girls I know. I never knew him well, but he was one of the few I would have said I trusted. This is not helping my paranoia.