What pain does to you

"For he has, in the last resort, nothing to give us but himself." - C.S. Lewis

"God is all I want.  Jesus is truly all I have.  I have nothing but Him.  I have nothing but Him.  And I want nothing but Him.  He is everything.  He is all I have.  He is all I want.  In the end, there is only Him.  In the beginning, there is only Him.  In the present, there is only Him.  God is my marvelous Everything." - Excerpt from my journal, November 2010, on one of the most physically painful days I have ever lived through. 

"Therefore, since Christ suffered in his body, arm yourselves also with the same attitude, because whoever suffers in the body is done with sin. As a result, they do not live the rest of their earthly lives for evil human desires, but rather for the will of God." - 1 Peter 4:1-2

“Because almost everything—all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure—these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. … You are already naked.” - Steve Jobs

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Pain gives you clarity.
I don't want to have pain anymore, and even this past month, knowing full well it might have been my last month of pain, I still tried a new painkiller to avoid the inevitable (didn't work). 
But pain is so cleansing.
I don't want pain.
But it's so sight-giving.

I want to live a life free of pain because pain is a hindrance.  It's a hindrance to ministry.  It's a hindrance to socializing. Sometimes it's even a hindrance to staying awake (even in the pain-free moments you suffer a lot of fatigue from having been in pain).  

Yet I would never trade the insights God has brought to me through the pain.  That excerpt from my journal...what a defining moment that was!  I'll never forget it for as long or as short as I live: the moment I truly, wholly understood that Jesus gives me Himself and nothing less.  Nothing is lacking in my life, because I have nothing.  The Lord took everything from me: health, financial stability, independence (that one hurt), my photographic memory (gone! that one hurt too).  He stripped me of all I thought I owned, all I thought was mine, so that I could understand that He is the only thing that really belongs to me.  I am my Beloved's and He is mine.  I will die.  Not even this body that I think so much and so little of is mine.  I don't own it, don't possess it - it will be taken away from me someday. 

But I have everything because I have Jesus.  And Jesus is all I have. 

So I look forward to being pain-free.  But, ah, Lord, let me keep the clarity!

Fall

Today is my last Monday at work.  Not just pre-surgery, but ever.  A year and a half ago I came home from the Glorious NW to live with and work for my parents until I could somehow get the endometriosis under control. My favorite memory of the last five years is my first day back at work with my dad.  It was a Saturday spent, just he and I, crating equipment.  It was...restful to be in the comfort of the familiar with my dad.  Machine shops are my childhood.

Even so, today is my last Monday.  When we got in the car this morning Dad said, "It'll be weird..." and I knew what he meant.  He meant "There have been things about this past year and a half that have been great.  I love having my children work with me and care about my business. I know you need to move on, but part of me is really gonna miss this".  At least, that's what I meant when I responded to his unfinished sentence with, "I know".

But the surgery is going to bring me healing and I can move forward. I know machine shops, but I don't know machining.  Really...I suck at it.  I have a fantastic work ethic because of my dad, but all the ethic in the world will never teach me to hold the measuring tools correctly or give me the strength to lift the heavy stuff (and there is a lot of heavy stuff around here!). This was always going to be temporary. Still, I'm kind of sad this morning.

Definition of Worship

"Giving your heart to something for the promise of life." - Ransomed Heart Ministries

"Yes! I'll marry you!"

"For the first 24 hours after your anesthesia, refrain from drinking alcohol, driving a car, or making important decisions." - Vital Health Institute

.:The loneliest moment:.

WHEN
you realize you need to clean your room
and finish masses of paperwork
and pay your bills...again
and do your laundry
and the dishes...

Avoidance makes me seek out human companionship.  I am never so lonely as when my room is dirty.

Things to study while convalescing:

1. Biblical inerrancy: what it means, what it looks like, what you do with the weird passages, etc. There are a couple of interesting books I've heard about recently that I want to get my hands on.
2. Cults: my dad and I think we know someone stuck in a cult so I want to reeducate myself in this area.  Waaaaaaay back in my early adulthood I did a lot of study on this topic, but that was a long time ago.  I'm starting my research on this website, and would also like to maybe take a trip down to San Juan Cap while I'm recovering.
3. Anatomy & Physiology: I'm going back to school to be trained as an ultrasound tech and this is one of the first things I would need to take as a pre-req so I'd like to prep myself a little before taking the actual class.  I have a book...I just need to read it.

Isn't that always the way though?  I have a book, I just need to read it.

Thank You

Here's the thank you note Bekah is posting through Give Forward.  Some of you gave anonymously, so I'm also posting it here since I can't thank you personally.  You guys are amazing!

Dear friends,

 

I'm sorry I didn't get this thank you out sooner, but how do you thank people for something so important?  I am really blessed by all of you - though the Give Foward website doesn't reflect it, some people also gave to me personally, and with all the gifts combined you guys raised over $8,000 for me!  That's monumental, and I am extremely grateful.  If you guys hadn't pulled together and been so gracious, I would've had to wait at least one more year before I could afford surgery.  So thank you.  Thanks for caring about me.  Thanks for helping me in my greatest hour of need.  This experience of opening up about the disease and accepting help from my community has grown me in big ways and helped me understand how we ought to care for and interact with one another. I am really overwhelmed.  Really and truly.  I mean, $8000!  That's a lot of love. :)

 

Bekah will continue to post updates on the Give Forward website and on Facebook if you would like to hear how surgery goes.  After all, you paid for it!  Oh, and I also found out they record the whole thing and I get a copy, so in some ways you could see it as having funded a full-length motion picture.  Movie night, anyone? ;)

 

Thank you again, so very much.  From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

 

Love,

Rachel

Using military terminology in regards to sex will get you nowhere.

I know not all of my blog readers are really active in the blogging world, but in the theological blogsphere there's been a bit of a firestorm over a post that Jared Wilson wrote on The Gospel Coalition's website.  I find the post generally uninteresting as it falls within the main themes of complementarian thought, to which I am not a subscriber, but basically he's arguing that men and women who step outside of conservative relationship roles are opening themselves up to rape fantasy.  Whatever.  We could take a week debating that, and it's not the point of my post.  Rather I want to comment on the quote that generated the most heat:

"A man penetrates, conquers, colonizes, plants. A woman receives, surrenders, accepts." -Douglas Wilson

Mr. Wilson, how about instead we say a woman surrounds, entraps, takes hostages, and a man gives up and gives in to captivity? 

Two sides to a coin, buddy Douglas.  Two sides to a coin.

Leave.

If your spouse is abusive,
leave.
Get out.
Stop enabling.
Your abuser is not going to change,
no matter how much you pacify.
In fact, the more you pacify,
the worse he gets because it makes him believe
that he has power,
that he has control.
Please, sweet sweet friend, leave
before it's too late.

George MacDonald

"You have tasted of death now," said the Old Man.  "Is it good?"
"It is good," said Mossy. "It is better than life."
"No," said the Old Man: "it is only more life."

Honestly?

The anonymous donors drive me crazy.  Like, I get it.  And I myself love that feeling you get from giving anonymously, like you're carrying a marvelous secret.  But how I would love to be in on the secret! :0)

One more day for the fundraiser!

Due to logistics, Bekah extended the fundraiser one more day.  It ends tomorrow at midnight, so if you still want to give you can!  It's pretty amazing how far we've come.  God is good!  And so are my friends and family.  Thank you!

Yard sale totals

Sorry I didn't post this yesterday.  Looooooooooong day.  We made about $350 at the yard sale.  It's less than I've ever made at one of these things but I'm not upset about it. A few weeks ago I would have been, but God really is using this process to refine me.  I am content and I am living in trust.

And the best part is that some of my friends donated really awesome clothes that didn't sell, so my wardrobe has expanded by two weeks. :)

The Decoy Bride

He's an emotionally retarded arty boy who's in love with another woman.  Of course I like him.

Phlebotomize This

Okay, I hate having my blood drawn.  I don't mind needles, but I hate blood.  Bleh. *shudder* So I'm getting my blood drawn this week and I'm waiting in the waiting room and I keep seeing this phlebotomist come out to the desk area to do paperwork and such.  And he's creepy and he's the leering type and I just pray, "Please Lord, please!  Don't give me that guy!"

And God took it a step further when He answered my prayer (with an "Okay beloved Rachel, I won't"): He gave me a phlebotomist who had such bad endometriosis at one point in her life that she had to quit her job.  Then she had surgery and now she is better.

God was kind to give me that.

One

day til I get my blood drawn,
week til my fundraiser ends,
month til I have surgery.

And one bad period left to get through.  Here's hoping it truly is the last one!

Words with Friends

Think of the immense love of God,
that
He used the wickedness
of Joseph's brothers
to save their lives.

John 6:68

"Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life."

A few weeks ago I got this verse.   Like really got it, heart, soul, spirit. And this morning I realized, how blessed am I that at such a young age God let me get it? There is no where to go but God; seriously, everything else is empty.  I mean, seriously.

 

 

I look back

on the naive sincerity of my early adulthood
and pray
and hope
that though I've lost the naiveté
I will never lose the sincerity.

Let Them Eat Cake

White cake with vanilla filling and plain buttercream frosting.  I thought there should be some chocolate in there, but not my day so not my choice! (Though I did sneak some in by frosting the extra sheet cake in chocolate buttercream.)

< 24

In less than 24 hours my sister had a baby, my favorite second-cousin got himself engaged, and I found out one of my close friends is moving to my city this Friday. 

Good, good week! :)  Happy 4th (tomorrow) everyone!

Gretchen Rubin

"Forbearance is a form of generosity."

(For Rachel G.  Here's that quote from The Happiness Project you asked for!)